


Do You think This Photoshopped Picture Looks Like a Typical Dromaeosaurid?

by Epiphanyx7



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Dino!Castiel, Dinosaurs, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Shapeshifting, This Entire Fic is a Plot Hole, hunting things, saving people, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-01 01:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epiphanyx7/pseuds/Epiphanyx7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dean, it's a freaking dinosaur."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You think This Photoshopped Picture Looks Like a Typical Dromaeosaurid?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunspot (unavoidedcrisis)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unavoidedcrisis/gifts).



> For Leen, because it is her birthday, and also because this is entirely and in all ways HER FAULT. I blame her entirely. This has no plot, guys, it's just self-indulgent crack!fic.

"Okay, how do we kill it?" Sam asked, trying to be practical about this. He stared distrustfully at the... he wanted to call it a dinosaur, but he was fairly certain that dinosaurs _weren't real_.

Dean looked horrified. "We can't kill him, Sam!" He hugged it a little bit tighter, where it was curled up sleeping in his arms.

" _Him,_ " Sam repeated, just to make sure he hadn't accidentally lost his freaking mind -- wait, nope, that was Dean. _Dean_ was the one who'd gone completely batshit insane, not him. Well, at least that part was good to know.

"Aw, come on. Lookit him, Sammy," Dean said, cuddling the -- and it was waking up, oh shit, that could not be good.

Sam took a couple steps back, and then he glared at Dean who was still holding his armful of beige trench coat and improbable lizard. "Dean," He said, trying to be realistic and also possibly break though the aura of utter madness that had clearly perforated his brother's skull, "Dean, it's a freaking dinosaur." And there went the last vestiges of plausible deniability.

"No," Dean said stubbornly. "It's _Castiel_ \-- and we're going to figure out how to fix him." He tickled Castiel underneath his chin, cooing.

Sam closed his eyes to block out the horror. He did not want to watch Dean die, not again, and yet his options when it came to prying Dean away from the freaking dinosaur were like --- very slim. Very, very slim indeed, and Sam was not nearly drunk enough to deal with this shit.

"I hate you," He told Dean. Dean, unsurprisingly, ignored him.

-

After another meal of about his own weight in raw meat, Castiel took another nap curled up on the bed in his old trench coat. Sam, still not willing to trust the turkey-sized dinosaur, was typing furiously on his laptop and trying to pretend that this shit wasn't giving him an epic migraine.

"Wikipedia says he's a velociraptor," Dean said brightly. "That would explain the feathers, right?"

"I hate you," Sam replied, scrolling down the page. _Velociraptor mongoliensis_ was right if Sam's sources were to be believed. Although, he was pretty much emailing paleontologists and saying dumb things like _'do you think this photoshopped picture looks like a typical dromaeosaurid'_ and hoping that they didn't think he was as lame as he sounded.

He snuck another look at the sleeping Dinosauriel and suppressed a horrified shudder. Even though he was little, Cas didn't look like the kind of thing Sam wanted to meet in a dark alley. He had far too many teeth for that, and the way he'd devoured the raw steak gave Sam a pretty clear idea of what he could do to a human.

"He's _awesome_ ," Dean said, practically glowing with pleasure as he looked at Cas.

If ever there was a time to decide to hate his life, Sam decided, it would be right now.

-

Of course, there were several problems with their newly lizard-ified angel companion, one of which was the sheer amount of food he ate. Sam couldn't remmeber ever seeing Castiel eat before, but now he seemed to be making up forthat by eating as much as he could, as often as he could. And it was all meat, of course.

"I hope you realize that you're going to bankrupt us," Sam huffed, trying to figure out how to haul seventy pounds of raw beef into a hotel room without someone assuming he was an axe murderer and calling the police on him.

Cas, who looked as if he'd grown a foot taller in the past week, stretched and gave Sam a creepily blank, reptillian stare. Sam stared back, even though it was pretty obvious that there wasn't a staring match in the world that he didn't think Castiel would win. There was a long, awkward silence. Finally, Sam looked away, blinking furiously, and Cas spoke.

"I could hunt." he said.

"Uh no, it's no big deal, I'll -- start comminting credit card fraud or something." Sam said. "Don't worry about it, Cas."

He wondered what dog-sized dinosaurs ate, if they didn't have two humans willing to buy food for them.

-

And then there was that incident with the werewolf pack and the demonic posession, two things that Sam really really hated having to deal with.

Dean was blinking at Cas, looking awed and slightly overwhelmd, and Sam couldn't help the creeping feeling of terror climbing up his spine. "Dude," Dean said, worshipfully. "You just took out an entire pack of werewolves that were demonically posessed."

"This form is suited to hunting," Dinosaur-Cas said, licking his lips. He was covered in blood.

"Um," Sam said.

-

"I didn't kill him," Dean said, staring down at the bloody corpse. The head had been taken almost clean off, blood sprayed everywhere.

"Uh," Sam said, and didn't look at Castiel.

Castiel, perched on his hind legs, angled his head to look at Sam. "I did not harm him," Cas said.

"See," Dean added, pointedly glaring at Sam and making a kill gesture with his left hand. "There's no need to jump to conclusions, Sammy."

"Just because I am more than _capable_ of tearing him apart," Castiel added, "And slurping up his sweet, succulent innards, feasting on his steaming entrails and cracking open his bones to lick up the sweet marrow hidden beneath... just because I am capable of removing his skull and prying it open so that I could tear at his flesh, drinking in the hot blood and stringy brain tissue, that is no reason to assume that I _would_."

Turning, Sam stared at him, feeling his eyes widening beyond what he'd thought possible.

"Good enough for me!" Dean chirped.

"Because I _wouldn't_ ," Castiel added, sounding a little bit hurt, his steely dinosaur gaze fixed on Sam.

-  



End file.
